Sorrow and Bliss

Martha’s father is the poet, Fergus Russell, who published one poem in the New Yorker when he was 19; he then received an advance for an anthology that never materialized. Her mother is the “minorly important” sculptor Celia Barry, who makes birds out of repurposed material.

Fergus and Celia still live in the house Martha grew up in. Martha’s parents bought it with a deposit loaned to them by Celia’s older sister, Winsome, who married a wealthy man. Celia hates the house partly because Winsome lives in a townhouse in Belgravia, a wedding present from her husband Rowland’s parents.

Sometimes Ingrid calls to have her kids talk to Martha so they are occupied for a while. On one occasion, Ingrid tells Martha about a woman Ingrid met in the park who was separated from her husband. Martha remembers how her own parents would separate a couple of times a year when they were younger in events she and Ingrid called “The Leavings.” Fergus would temporarily move into the bed and breakfast down the road before he and Celia would invariably reconcile.

Another strong memory from Martha’s childhood is the weekend-long parties Celia would throw, in which she smoked, drank, danced, and generally sparkled as the center of attention. Ingrid and Martha enjoyed the parties.

Patrick and Martha have always been a part of each other’s childhoods, and have never needed to share the details of their early lives after they became a couple, except to compare and see whose was worse.

Martha recalls a photocopy of something by Ralph Ellison her father sent her after Patrick left, with the line, “The end is in the beginning and lies far ahead” (20), highlighted. She posted it back with a note that the end is now and she cannot remember the beginning, to which her father replied, “Might you try?” (20).

Christmases are always spent at Belgravia with Winsome and her family—her husband Rowland and her three children: Nicholas, their oldest, who is adopted and the same age as Martha; Oliver, who is three years younger; and Jessamine, the youngest. Martha meets Patrick for the first time in 1993 on Christmas Day when she is 16. Oliver and Patrick go to boarding school together, and Oliver invites Patrick over because the latter’s father forgot to book him a ticket home.

Rowland insensitively quizzes Patrick about his background over lunch, and the boy tearfully reveals that his mother drowned in a hotel pool when Patrick was seven; he was sent to boarding school a week after the funeral. Meanwhile, Celia drinks excessively as usual, which is beginning to embarrass Martha and Ingrid. While everyone exchanges gifts, the girls inadvertently learn that all the money their family has comes from Winsome and Rowland. This is how both girls are in private school, despite Martha being the only one who won a scholarship. There is a gift for Patrick as well, and he is stunned and grateful; years later, Martha reveals to Patrick that it came out of her aunt’s emergency gift cupboard.

Patrick returns next Christmas by arrangement. When the children are together, Martha shows Jessamine a trick where she shoots a rubber band from her braces out of her mouth. Ingrid later tells Martha that she saw Patrick pocket the rubber band, suggesting that he loves Martha; however, Martha thinks of him as a child. In the present, she reflects on how that was the last year before a “little bomb went off in [her] brain” (30).

On the morning of her French A Levels, Martha wakes up with tears streaming down her face and no sensation in her hands and legs. She is unable to write her paper, and hides under her desk as soon as she comes home. She stays there for days, coming out only to eat and use the washroom. Celia tries to coax her out, but eventually grows fed up.

From the beginning, Fergus stays with Martha through the night, reading poetry or talking aimlessly. Since he is worried, Martha agrees to see a doctor a month later, who diagnoses her with glandular fever. Back home, Fergus invites Martha to spend some time in his study for a change of scene, and she agrees.

Watching her father write calms Martha down, and she begins to spend time every day there. Fergus challenges her to write a story in one sentence using every letter of the alphabet in order, and Martha writes hundreds of them over time; she tries them in her mind sometimes, even now, when she is unable to fall asleep.

Martha feels alright in September, and she decides to start university. However, she is unable to get through the lectures and classes and gets put on academic probation before the Christmas break. Back home, she goes out onto the balcony on the highest floor of the building and contemplates jumping off. A number of reasons stop her, including concern for her father and sister, and the assumption that Celia will make art out of her death one day. The biggest reason, however, which only Patrick knows, is because Martha thinks herself too clever and special to come to this end.

Martha tells her father what happened, and he holds her close for a long time before taking her to see a different doctor. Martha is prescribed antidepressants and warned against getting pregnant because the medicine can negatively impact a fetus.

Alongside these recollections, Martha reflects on the worst things that Patrick and Ingrid have respectively said to her: “Sometimes I wonder if you actually like being like this” (38), and “You’ve basically turned into Mum” (39). She also remembers how Ingrid’s middle child, shy and anxious, is constantly holding onto things. He explained he does this so that his mother can find him in case he sinks, and offers Martha a piece of the flannel he is holding onto at bedtime.

Martha has a persistent headache, one of the side-effects of her new medication, and doesn’t want to go to Belgravia for Christmas. She suggests she stay home by herself, but her mother’s refusal alerts Martha to the fact that Fergus has been making sure Martha is never left alone since the night on the balcony.

At Belgravia, Martha is put up in the TV room so she doesn’t have to bunk with the others. She doesn’t come out of there at all, even for Christmas lunch, but the sounds in the house reassure her. Patrick comes up to the room. Martha asks about his mother, and Patrick emotionally describes the only memory he has of her.

Martha finds sheet music on her aunt’s writing desk. Winsome comes in shortly after with an entire Christmas lunch arranged in miniature on a tray, and Martha is moved by the caring gesture. She asks Winsome about how she got into college, and Winsome describes how she taught herself to play on the piano in the school hall. She lied about her qualifications on her application to the Royal College of Music, and when the truth came out, rather than being punished, she was offered a spot immediately.

At Martha’s request, Winsome agrees to play the piano if Martha comes out of the room. The music is extraordinary, and Martha sees her aunt as a person outside of Celia’s perceptions for the first time. Everyone else slowly drifts toward the music. Celia effectively brings the playing to an end by mockingly revealing how Winsome used to practice playing while turning to face an imaginary audience, hopeful of being famous one day. Martha wants to apologize for her mother, but is unable to; the next time she visits Belgravia, the piano is closed and covered.

Martha returns to university in January and completes her exams. The medicines begin to take effect, and she feels euphoric rather than like her old self. She has sex for the first time with a doctoral student assigned to help her during probation, and leaves his place directly after to procure a morning-after pill. When she is unable to get the pill because she doesn’t have a prescription, she stops taking her medicines and takes a pregnancy test every day until she gets her period.

Upon graduating, Martha gets a job at Vogue. Six months in, when they realize she is not as internet-savvy as they assumed, they move her over to World of Interiors where her work largely entails writing descriptions of chairs. Throughout her twenties and thirties, Martha feels overwhelmed and hopeless. She sees multiple doctors, all of whom give her different diagnoses and pill combinations, but nothing seems to help, and she eventually stops taking anything or seeing anyone. Over time, everyone comes to concur with Martha’s self-diagnosis of “being difficult and too sensitive” (59).

Martha’s first husband is a man named Jonathan Strong, who is an art broker. She meets him when she is 25 at a party thrown by Peregrine, the publisher of World of Interiors. When Peregrine first learns that Martha’s mother is Celia Barry, he invites Martha to lunch as he cares for “artists and art and beauty and madness” (60). Peregrine enjoys hearing about Martha’s childhood, from the alphabet sentence game to her mental struggles. Over time, Martha becomes like a daughter to him.

Peregrine points Jonathan out to Martha at the party, something he apologizes for a year later. She is instantly charmed by Jonathan, and agrees to dinner the next day. Halfway through that dinner, Jonathan launches into a diatribe against people with mental illnesses, trivializing their experiences and suggesting that they should just “toughen up.” Martha thinks Jonathan is joking and laughingly agrees with him; she still thinks this when he repeats his views a few weeks later, by which time she is in love with him.

Ingrid meets Hamish that same summer; he proposes to her three years later. Meanwhile, Jonathan proposes to Martha weeks after they begin dating, at a dinner he organizes for the occasion to which he invites Martha’s entire family. Patrick attends in Nicholas’s stead. Jonathan puts on a slideshow of pictures of Martha and him. Martha realizes his intentions, saying yes before he can get down on one knee. As her family claps, a drunk Celia yells out that Martha’s pregnant; Jonathan reacts in horror even as Martha reassures everyone she isn’t, and Ingrid gives Martha a consolatory hug at their mother’s behavior.

Martha, however, is more frustrated by Jonathan’s reaction, despite knowing that Jonathan doesn’t want children. Later that night, Ingrid calls to advise Martha against marrying Jonathan based on his reaction to her potential pregnancy, and the fact that he doesn’t know Martha enough to not have proposed in public. Martha reassures Ingrid that Jonathan is truly loving underneath the surface, and moves in with him the following weekend.

Jonathan comes into the bathroom as Martha is taking one of her pills, and she lies about it being birth control. Shortly after, Jonathan decides they should have children after all; the idea obsesses him, and he is convinced he can change Martha’s mind as well. Separately, Martha reflects on how she is often mistaken as the mother of Ingrid’s children when she is out in public with them, because of how similar the sisters look. Martha never corrects anyone.

After Jonathan proposes, Martha heads downstairs for some air, and Oliver and Patrick exit the building shortly after. Patrick heads home after congratulating her, but Oliver stays behind and questions whether Martha is rushing into things. He accidentally lets slip that Patrick has been in love with Martha for the past 10 years.