Does My Head Look Big In This?

“I’m terrified. But at the same time I feel like my passion and conviction in Islam are bursting inside me and I want to prove to myself that I’m strong enough to wear a badge of my faith. I believe it will make me feel so close to God. Because it’s damn hard to walk around with people staring at your “nappy head” and not feel kind of pleased with yourself—if you manage to get through the stares and comments with your head held high.” 

This quote summarizes the complex relationship between faith, religious practice, intimate feeling, and external manifestation of that feeling. Amal is scared, because the “badge” she has chosen to wear, the hijab, will be seen by all as a representation of her religious belief. The strength this requires is the proof of such belief but also the source of moral superiority because if she conquers her fear (and other people’s reactions), she will feel “pleased with herself.”

“I can’t stop thinking about Hidaya and I feel sick with longing for my friends and teachers. Sick with longing for a school where you learnt what every other student in any other Melbourne school learnt but you could also pray and fast and wear a hijab and get on with being a teenager without having to answer questions or defend yourself against news headlines.” 

Hidaya was a place where Amal’s religion was accepted as a given, and the school felt like a safe haven. However, as a good Muslim, she should wear the proof of her religious belief everywhere, and this puts a young girl at a disadvantage, exposing her to the non-Muslim perceptions of her religion. That she feels “sick with longing,” shows how strong the reaction against her might be in her new school. 

“But as I browse through the shops I realize how uncomfortable and irrational I’m acting because it feels like most people really couldn’t care less. I mean, sure there’s staring, but it’s not enough to rate in my fears list. There are the occasional goggle-eyes but most people give me the once-over top to bottom, which I can deal with. I’m just one more late-night shopper, one more person to bump shoulders with, negotiate a crowded queue with.” 

Here Amal experiences for the first time the reality of her decision: wearing the hijab in public, in a shopping mall. She acts “uncomfortable and irrational” because she has expected the reaction of the people to be much more negative and vocal, which stems from fear and experiences of other people of her religion.