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36 pages 1 hour read

Dan Santat

A First Time for Everything

Dan SantatNonfiction | Graphic Memoir | Middle Grade | Published in 2023

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Themes

Overcoming Fear to Live in the Moment

Dan’s existence is defined by his fears and reservations. He fears rejection, pain, heartache, and embarrassment because each of these are things he experienced in middle school and never overcame. Dan’s memoir opens with a scene of him making a speech in front of the whole school, which leads to a moment of total embarrassment for him. Flashbacks throughout the memoir illustrate other incidents that influenced his perception of himself and the world, including being rejected by a girl he likes, being told he isn’t a good illustrator, and falling off the rope in gym class. Dan writes that fear “starts in the crotch” and works its way to the extremities of the body (21), which is why so many people pee when they’re afraid. He’s grateful that that never happens to him since it would only add to the embarrassment he often feels.

Dan dreads the school trip because he fears being on his own, being in a new place, or being around people he doesn’t know. In Paris, Dan fears going out on his own without any adults but does so anyway and finds that the reward is well worth having to fight through his fear. Fighting fear and feeling the rewards becomes a recurring experience: He climbs the Eiffel Tower, escapes a group of punks after walking Amy home, and makes himself emotionally vulnerable to Amy. Dan starts to learn that embarrassment can even be funny, and he jokes with Amy about inadvertently kissing her on the ear instead of the cheek.

In addition, Dan’s peers and the adults on the trip, including Mrs. Bjork and Helga, help him gain confidence by encouraging him to take risks. Dan’s friends see that he wants to be different and help him find the courage to get there, even coaching him through his relationship with Amy. Mrs. Bjork knows that Dan has the potential to enjoy life more and encourages him to do so. Helga offers a listening ear and gives Dan the space to open up about his insecurities, which helps him let go of them. By the time the trip is over, Dan learns that fear need not hold him back but can instead fuel him to achieve more and step outside his comfort zone. Ironically, he finds that he feels more comfortable by seeking enjoyment rather than comfort and security. The change in Dan is most evident in his approach to Amy, which evolves from one of hesitation and fear to embracing the unknown future and living just for the moment.

The Impact of First-Time Experiences

Dan’s school trip to Europe is defined by his many first-time experiences while sightseeing in four different countries at the end of eighth grade. He’s on the verge of adolescence, and everything in his world is new. This thought initially terrifies him because he prefers the familiarity and safety of his hometown and the people he knows. Before leaving for the trip, Dan doesn’t realize the extent of how he’s about to change and how much he needs this trip to overcome the perceptions and fears that hold him back.

Before the trip to Europe, Dan’s life experiences, both positive and negative, shaped his character. When he was embarrassed in front of the whole school, he retreated from his peers and hid who he was. Dan allowed this experience to define his entire middle school life and missed out on enjoying those years of his childhood. In Europe, Dan slowly breaks the chains of his past and immerses himself in new experiences instead, learning to find the joy in each one. In doing so, Dan’s personality and attitude start to transform, and he stops feeling insecure about taking risks or being rejected.

Some of the major first-time experiences that further shape Dan’s character during this time include trying beer, being in Europe, traveling without his parents, and having a girlfriend. Dan’s bond with Amy particularly influences him because she’s more open and braver than he is, so she helps him come out of his shell. Amy knows what she wants and goes for it, and Dan starts to pick up this trait from her. Still, he hesitates until the very last day, despite considering Mrs. Bjork’s advice about choosing how to react to experiences: “The most important factor is how you deal with all those [positive and negative] life experiences. That’s what defines a person’s character” (255). On the last day of the trip, Dan finally decides to just let go and fully enjoy his time with Amy. They spend a romantic afternoon together and share their first kiss, and all of it becomes an experience that Dan wouldn’t trade for anything. Although he must bear the pain of leaving Amy when the trip ends, he understands that knowing her is worth the pain. Every first experience that Dan has in Europe helps him grow and mature as a person and makes him more confident and self-assured. He takes these changes back to his hometown with him, hoping to help his friends find their own courage too.

Discovering the Independent Self

During his time in Europe, Dan discovers that he has the potential to be an independent and confident person. Up until then, he relied on others, particularly his parents, and spent middle school resisting growing up or taking risks. Before the trip begins, Dan is quiet and reserved, hiding who he is from the world. The idea of being away from home and the potential unknowns of traveling to a new place scares him. All this occurs during the beginning of Dan’s adolescence as he enters a period of his life that involves growth, maturation, and a shift toward independence and self-reliance.

On the very first day in Paris, the students have the opportunity to explore on their own. Dan’s first question is, “I mean are we exploring Paris by ourselves? Don’t we need an adult?” (75), and Braden and Darryl can hardly believe what they’re hearing. For them, the thought of being on their own is exciting; for Dan, it’s terrifying. Fortunately, Dan is thrust into independence whether he likes it or not and finds that feeling grown up and making his own choices is fun. On top of that, it begins to build his confidence so that he can make future independent choices with less fear and hesitation.

Many of Dan’s experiences on the trip help him mature and grow, whether they turn out to be positive or negative. Dan tries both smoking and drinking and hates both; in doing so, he learns something about himself and solidifies his own values on the ingestion of substances. In addition, Dan’s companions sneak him into an adult discotheque, which gives him the opportunity to let loose and just be himself. His friends also help him in other ways, like encouraging him to walk Amy home and demonstrating through their actions that having fun is superior to feeling safe. When Dan must escape punks on the street, the expression on his face slowly transforms from one of terror to one of total confidence and joy. He finally starts to feel like a fully realized human being and follow his own desires and motivations rather than avoid trouble and pain. Through his time in Europe, Dan discovers who he is and what he wants out of life. He finds that he’s capable of much more than he realized and decides to take this new attitude home with him.

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By Dan Santat